Review of the Pearls

Michael & Debbie Pearl have a website, family ministry, and have written several books, including To Train up a Child and No Greater Joy. Here is the review I left on Amazon about it, for what it's worth if anyone is looking into these books or site.

"I hate to focus just on the things that I don't agree with, but I think if you are going to hold yourself up as an expert and write books for others to follow, you need to be above reproach. I do not disagree in general or even with perhaps most of their teachings, but these... are you KIDDING ME?? (direct quotes from their website)

"If a child cries out in loneliness and is rewarded by being picked up, you have trained him to repeat the crying any time he wants to control the adults in his life." (talking about babies!)

"If an infant sticks his finger in his eye, the pain will discourage him from repeating that on himself, but he may try it on you. That is unless you should make his unwelcomed advances unpleasant for him. The first time an infant pulls your hair, if you pull his, he will never be a hair-puller." (Actually, my 5 mo old still pulls his own hair & scratches himself. That means he does not yet have the ability to relate the act to the consequence. He is learning but is not there yet, so I will wait until I know he is before "training" him. There is plenty of time to teach a child not to do things when he is old enough to do them ON PURPOSE, but until he's ready, WEAR YOUR HAIR UP!)

"Parents do not start trying to train their children until they are convinced they can receive instruction, by which time children are already confirmed in carnality, addicted to the pleasures of hedonism." (so train them before they are able to understand it? makes sense.)

(talking about a 10-mo old)"Just as you are about to feed her, tell her to stop crying and you will feed her. You do this when you are sitting in front of her, preparing to feed her. When she stops, brag on her for not crying and then reward her with food. By this you are conditioning her to the concept that she gets fed when she is not crying." (so every time she isn't crying, she will get fed? you are going to end up with one fat baby! Since 10-mo-olds can't talk, how else should she communicate she is hungry?)

(again, 10-mo-old)"Wait one minute, and then tell the baby to stop crying. If he doesn't, again swat him on his bare legs." (spanking a 10-mo-old for crying is never ok.)

[question] "Is it right to spank a 7-month-old for crying when put down for bed? I grew up with just ignoring the child, thus training them that they will not get their way. My husband wants it to stop all together."... [answer:] "Daddy needs to be in charge, and you need to learn to trust and honor his judgment." (um, NO, not when the husband wants to abuse the children! We are to honor them, but not when they are going against what God wants.) [Micheal's answer to the same question:] "As a last resort, you may have to prove the power of your word by enforcing it with one or two stinging licks (applied with a small flexible switch) to the child's leg." (a 7-mo-old??)

"At less than three-months-old this little girl had discovered the power of emotional manipulation. For several days she refined her technique of control. She discovered how to use the mother's guilt against her....This wise mother decided to retrain her three-month-old baby. She laid her down knowing she would cry. The mother calmly ignored the crying. When Suzzie stopped crying and became cheerful, Mother picked her up and played with her. When Suzzie was placed in the crib and again cried, the mother again ignored her until she became cheerful." (squashing any attempt at communication- & at 3-mo- crying is all they have. sad.)

These speak for themselves, don't they?" 

Debbie has written a book, Created to be his Helpmeet. Great concept. Not a great book. Here is a good review of it:

http://spunkyhomeschool.blogspot.com/2005/07/created-to-be-his-help-meet-part-1.html

Parenting Class

I called my friend who works for CPS to see if I could volunteer to teach parenting classes, as I have had a passion for that for the last few years. She told me they contract all of their classes out, and I still need to follow up on finding somewhere to volunteer. And yet, I don't have any children. :) So, what I'm wondering is: should I let that stop me? I honestly think I know more about it than many parents I see. But I am sure it must be much harder than it looks, and no one has all the answers. Here is my parenting philosophy. Let me know if you think I should pursue this idea. :)

1. Spank them when they're 3! If you don't spank your child when they're 3, it will be too late. Every time I see a kid that looks too far gone, I think to myself, his parents should have spanked him when he was 3. :)



2. Always expect respect and obedience from your children. Children are so different, and what we expect of them should vary according to their ability, personality, and age, but past 24 months, these 2 things are non-negotiable.



3. Let your kids go!! I learned this from my grandfather-in-law, a very wise man. When your children move out of the house, move them out of your control, your radar, your un-solicited advice, your bank account, etc. This is for sure one that is easier said than done.



4. Never discipline your kids only for getting on your nerves. This teaches them that parents are allowed to be selfish just because they are parents. Leave the room, and cool off. Another one easier said than done. :)



5. Never argue about parenting decisions in front of the kids, question your spouse's decision in front of the kids, or criticise your spouse in front of the kids. (like on John & Kate plus 8- yikes)



6. Learn your child's love language, and speak it. http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/books_familyparenting.html#children



7. Don't have kids if you can't take care of them, love them, or discipline them. :)

Road Trip Tips

If you're taking an end of summer road trip with your children the next couple of weeks, or if you just want to read a really good article, read this. It is so good.

A Father’s Summer Trip Road Rules

These are the road rules your Father has for you as I look in the rearview mirror this glorious summer day. Rules for Good and not for Evil as we travel in this mighty suburban that handles so well, but also drinks gas like a football team at a drinking fountain. Listen to what I say, for you are my children and I am your Father.
When you sit next to your brother or sister, do not put your hands all over them as the heathens do. No, I say, do not. Put your hands in front of you; not to the left or to the right, but in your lap for this pleases me. Likewise with your feet. Keep them to yourself for they are yours and yours to be felt only by you.
Dear children, do not tease each other while we journey together. Sons, do not pull your sister’s pigtails, ponytail—whatever animal she may resemble at the time. No, this I say, do not. Do not make fun of Hanna Montana and especially Barbie. For they are dear to her and so are dear to me. This I will not tolerate for she screams the way she does when she discovers a spider in the shower. This, and high gas prices, are an abomination to me.
Daughter, do not tease your brothers because their hair cuts are six months behind the fashion curve. And do not be haughty about your superior understanding of fashion, for this too breaks my heart. Do not say, “I know clothing better than you. My pinks, they never clash,” for this is an arrogant spirit my dear daughter.
How I long to give you sweets and sugared waters while we travel but I have seen what you do with them and it breaks my heart. Though you eat part of your marshmallow or Gummy Bear or other sugary delight—you also wear part of them. I find them in your hair. In my hair. I find them on the bottom of your shoes and on this manly steering wheel. I find them under the hood.
And when I buy you hamburgers from the swift drive-thru window, please do not tell me you won’t eat them because they have buried deep in the bun one measly pickle. How this burns my charbroiled bacon! Do not sit there, full of sorrow. Do not shriek! No, this I tell you. Be grateful for what you have. Rejoice! Remove the offense and place it in the wrapper and then—Very Important!—lick your tiny and nimble fingers. Do not wipe them on the seat for they are not treated to fight stains!
When you are sickened by the bumps and turns in the road, do not withhold this information from me. For I am a good and patient Father and I want to share in your afflictions. I will give you a seat that is preferred above all other seats. I will give you thy Passenger Seat to the right of the Father, a highly coveted seat indeed. I will put you next to me and I will run the air conditioner on your pale and sweaty face and I will pat your little head. I will pray for you and kiss your sweet forehead. I will tell you stories of long ago when I too fell ill to the Menace of the Road and how I conquered it and this will give you faith my dear children.
I will show compassion on thee for another reason: I don’t want to clean up after you. Oh, how you have done this to me in the past! I have caught your sickness in a heavy duty Zip-Lock bag too many times and I cannot look upon it again. The sound and smell sends our entire tribe running to the four corners of our suburban for which we still make payments!
I want to know how you feel so I can pull over right away and buy you 7-Up. And if not 7-Up, Sprite. And if not Sprite, Fresca. And if Fresca cannot be found I will drive day and night till I find you anything, even TAB, for this is how deep my love is for you.
Yet in spite of all this, when I look in the rear view mirror, I see your dear faces and my heart is so glad. You are flesh of my flesh, breath of my breath. You inspire me to greatness, though I feel at times mediocre. I am sometimes an impatient father, and I know this exasperates you and earns your displeasure. How I fail you. Yet you are so quick to forgive me as God is quick to forgive me, too. My heart is grateful. I hope and pray that my deep and abiding love for you is what you’ll remember when you think about these trips when you are grown, and when you thumb through photos of them with your kids.
I ponder these things as I look in the rearview mirror. Then I see that your eyes are shut. My eyes water. I pray for you as we forge ahead to destinations known and unknown, around corners of hope, grace, faith, and forgiveness. I love your kind and familiar faces, how your heads rest upon one another’s shoulders, and this rare stretch of highway silence hum.

by Paul Coughlin
http://www.christianniceguy.com/

Children's Church- to send or not to send?

There are many who think that sending children to Sunday School is somehow harmful to them, and that they should stay in the pew with their parents at all times. This is a growing idea that many get from books like Parenting from the Pew by Robbie Castleman. (see comment below)

Below are some reasons why I think Sunday School can be very beneficial. First off, let me say that I respect a parent's right to do what they want with their own children. No church should tell parents what they should do in this area. Parents should discuss and decide for themselves what to do in this area.

1. Having children in the service is a distraction. I don't care how well-behaved and well-trained your children are, there are times when they will be a distraction, especially to you as parents, but also to those around you. Babies cry; 2-yr-olds squirm. Even if you do train them, they can be a big distraction during that training period. Does your right to parent how you want trump others' right to be able to focus on the sermon?


2. Along those lines, you, as a parent will not get as much out of the service if your children are with you. Parents need time to spend with God without distraction. With children, these times are already rare. You must covet and value the time you do have.


3. Children need lessons on their own level. Yes, your children will get more out of an adult sermon than you think they would, but is it as much as they would have gotten out of a lesson that is tailor-made for their understand and learning style? Children, especially boys, learn better from hands-on activities and visual stimulation. Many site the excuse that their church doesn't have a good and challenging curriculum. They find them coloring a page of Noah and the ark for the hundredth time. If your church doesn't have a challenging curriculum, find one that does!! They may be rare, but they do exist. See: http://www.childrendesiringgod.org/


4. Children need to start practicing fellowship now. They need to realize that the church is bigger than just their own family. Through associating with children their own age, they can learn to minister to others, to pray for them and be prayed for, and just to learn from each other. Many families who keep their children in the service are homeschooling families. I'm all for homeschooling, but these families need to look for opportunities for their children to be around others their own age. No, other children are not perfect, but could it be possible that one of them could influence your child in a positive way? (gasp!) Maybe? Also, your "perfect" little ones need to be out there being useful and influencing others for the better as well. Nothing magical happens at age 18 that makes your child somehow now able to minister to weaker people. This can happen at age 3! Why deny them that awesome opportunity?


5. Since the church is bigger than just your family, you need to learn how to trust others with your children. I think this is a big issue for homeschooling parents. Children need to know that there are adults who care about them and God, other than just their parents. The idea that "Our family does it the right way, and hardly anyone else does," is a dangerous and infectious thing to teach your children. By not trusting other adults with your children, are you teaching them this? They might even be able to teach them something you haven't yet. (gasp! again) It also makes babies and toddlers more secure if they are left with other adults every once in awhile. (There is balance in this. I think if they are left on a daily basis, this causes insecurity, but if it never happens, that can also cause insecurity.)


6. It builds their immune system. Many complain that their children come home sick every time they are in the nursery. Usually, this will only be temporary. This is a crucial age, where if they are exposed to others' germs, they can build good immunity toward those bugs and just in general for later in life. Have patience with this, because it really is good for your kids if you can wait out the initial "sick" period.

Keep them busy- Pre-K ers, 3-5 year olds

I will try to write about some ideas to keep little hands busy while you need to be busy with something else. Here is one link that has a lot of great ideas!
http://www.preschoolersandpeace.com/wst_page2.html

Toys they love:

• Your old clothes to dress up in: old or cheap jewelry, Dad's old ties, shoes, scarves, sunglasses, old cell phones or cameras.


• Office toys- an old mouse, keyboard, spiral notebooks w/ pencils, calculator


• Books on tape


• Computer learning games. (Computers are not evil for kids- this will build their mouse & keyboard skills which THEY WILL need in their future jobs.)


• Magnets- you can make your own if you want.


• Wading pool (or a hose) w/ sponges, buckets, toy boats, water guns (toy guns are not evil either- I promise)- when you live in south TX, this water play is a must!


• A way to keep old toys exciting is to rotate them about every 6 months- put 1/3 of the toys in the attic or a closet. When you pull them out in 6 months or a year, the kids will be so excited. It's like getting new toys! But remember when you pull them out, to put up another 1/3 of toys, so you can do it again!

Other activities

• Squirt shaving cream on a placemat and let them "draw" in it.
• Limited TV time. (I will write about this in a future post- with a review of different shows.)


• Beads, cheerios, and pasta (you can color the pasta with food coloring) to string to make necklaces or bracelets.


• Give them a tape recorder to sing or talk into (for your motor-mouths, lol) or to interview others.


• A dishpan with rice in it and measuring cups and funnels.


• Use a tweezer to pick up small beads- this builds fine motor skills, or use tongs for different muscles. Move the objects from one container to another.

That is all I can think of right now. I will try to write about 1-2 yr olds soon!


PS- My mother asked me the other day, "What is the one thing I wish I had done differently as a mother? Do you remember?" "Yes, Mom, you've only mentioned it the last 5 times we've talked. :) You wished you had spent more time playing with us and less time on the house." If you are a task-person (as I am), be careful to not have the same regrets with your kids.

Keep them busy: infants

Ideas for babies 4-12 months:

Things get tricky at 4 months, when babies begin to want to be mobile and interact with their environment.
Here are some "toys" I have found that work:
plastic lids (the rim is just right for teething and these are easy to hold.)
Ice trays, small plastic plates, a sippy cup with a little water in it, foam blocks (also good for teething), board books, towells with rough patterns, old cell phones or tv remotes (how often have they reached for yours? they love buttons!), a plastic box with smaller toys in it to shake, small squishy balls.

Activities (many need supervision):

• A toy they really love, but you have to watch them the whole time, is a bag that crinkles- thicker than a ziploc, so they can't bite through it, but one that they can't open. Play-doh now comes in these shiny ziploc bags, and "my" babies LOVE them. I just have to watch them the whole time.
• I also give them an old magazine to crinkle up. The trick is, put a pacifier in their mouth first! As you know, everything goes straight to the mouth at this age, but some babies will be able to keep a pacifier in while playing with paper. Of course, I am watching them the whole time, but it's worth it, bc this toy keeps them busy for so long.
• Tie some of DH's neck ties on the fan blades & turn it on low. They can lie on your bed, & it will entertain them forever! (can start this before 4 mo.)
• Put them in the sink with some water (or bathtub if they can sit up on their own.) Let them splash around.
• Sit them on your lap with a toy while you work on the computer.
• If desperate, strap them in their car seat and put on Baby Einstein. It really does work better than other shows, but won't work for every baby.
• Make patterns that they can copy with clapping, slapping the ground or coffee table, or other simple gestures. Start very simple. This is the beginning stage of teaching baby sign language also.
• Dance to music- "my" babies started dancing between 8-10 months.
• Copy the noises they make- they have done studies on this, and it's supposed to be really good. It teaches them they can affect other people and communicate.

That's all I can think of now, other than the things you always hear about.
I will try to post some ideas to keep different age groups happy when you need to be busy with something else.